Jumbo Barking

Halloween Dream

I had a dream last night, or just now (it's 4:14 am here) that I had died and someone was lifting me out of bed, removing my corpse, when suddenly a goldfish fell from my body and swam away.

Pluto

I gave Steve, the owner of the school where I teach, my new email address: plutophonic@yahoo.com. It used to be naninberlin@yahoo.com for those of you who don't know. Anyway, he goes: "That's quite a move, from Berlin to Pluto." Classic. That's pretty much why I chose "plutophonic" because I do kind of feel like I'm on Pluto right now. Plus I've always had an affinity for the tiny dwarf planet.

Blog Fate

Definitely feeling like an open book with this blog right now. I'm seriously thinking about discontinuing it altogether. In fact, I've started making a print out of the whole thing to stash in the basement somewhere. It's a good outlet when things in life are peachy and one can write about politics and culture, but a blog can only take so much bubbling up of emotion.

Canada/Mom's Appointment

I'm looking at getting landed immigrant status in Canada. If you have a sister there, it's do-able. At least that's what Joanne keeps telling me. My friend Anna has a cousin here who is an immigration lawyer, specializing in U.S./Canadian immigration, so I'll have to talk to him about starting the paperwork. There's a huge market for teaching ESL in the Vancouver area -- lots of Asian and European immigrants.

As far as my mom being able to take care of herself goes, I think she's got quite a few good years of independence left in her. We won't have the official feedback from the neuro-psych test for another couple of weeks, but my impression is that the situation is not as dire as everyone has kind of made it out to be. I'm assuming that her doctor will prescribe some of the medications that are on the market, but to be honest, I think my mom's main issue at this point in her life is loneliness. And I think the loss she suffered in 2003 when Barney died should not be under-estimated. The nervous system and the heart are delicate, complicated things. Also, I think her diet and her sleep apnea are factors in how well her brain functions throughout the day. Anyway, I'm not as worried about her as I was, and I think she feels better about herself, too.

NeAr tHe ChiNese GoSpEl ChUrcH,
PaSt RopErti's TuRkEy FaRm.
ThAt's wHeRe yoU'lL fiNd uS,
DriViNg.

Artwork by Jeremy Blake

Into the Wild

Best movie I've seen all year: Into the Wild, directed by Sean Penn. I  had read the book about five years ago and loved it and the movie was just as good. For those of you who don't know, it's about an Emory University graduate who gives away all his money and goes to live a solitary life in the Alaskan wilderness. It was perfect for me to see right now because in a way that's exactly what I feel like doing. Or, shall we say, it's exactly what I am doing (in my head). I've had a craving for the beauty of the West Coast and seeing this movie is like a road trip from California to Alaska. It captures the part of this country that I love the best. It's an astounding beauty that you can't find everywhere.

California

My goal is to move back to California in six months. This time, instead of living in the city though, I might want to live across the Bay Bridge somewhere closer to trails and nature. Maybe I can help Tess with her wedding photography business and keep teaching English.

Tomorrow I'm taking my mom to her neuro-psych appointment and hopefully she'll be somewhat stabilized by the time I leave. I just can't be the one, right now, to put my life on hold for her. All things considered, I'm starting over with my own life and I can't commit to being in Michigan forever. If there's one thing I learned from moving to Germany it's to be where you need to be, not where someone else needs you to be.

Lesson Learned

Moral of the story: If someone cheats on you once in a relationship, chances are they'll do it again. And as far as future relationships go, I definitely won't be giving any more second chances. If someone cheats once, a big red flag will go up and stay up.

I am just so glad that I was smart enough to leave Germany before Karin had a chance to cheat on me there. That would have been extra ugly. I guarantee you that it's what would have eventually happened had I not left. Because clearly, some people don't have the decency to break up a relationship BEFORE they jump into bed with someone else. That would just be too ... hard.

Imogen Heap

I'm partial to the song called Hide and Seek: Imogen Heap

Profiles

To celebrate being single, I've begun glancing at personal ad profiles. Check this one out. Too bad she lives in L.A.

Things that are not overrated:
consistency
unqualified communication
effort
accountability
sound judgment
peculiar talismans
(reasonable) risk-taking
graceful exits
imogen heap
hard work & just results
"do-overs"
perspective
park benches in the spring
context
gentle phrasings
curiosity
forehead kisses
active imaginations
slowing down
smiles from strangers
lists
memory
a good crush
daydreaming
detours
spontaneous hugs
things given & held dearly
surprise gestures
unsolicited assistance
tea with a friend when troubled
W.I. Thomas' "definition of the situation"
matched intensity
recognizing what's true
alliteration
proper goodbyes
knowing when to say "uncle"
good timing
a convincing presence
possibility
humility

Wow. Who wouldn't want to meet this person?

Body Chemicals

One thing I've realized these past few weeks is how powerful stress hormones are. It's kind of scary when something highly upsetting comes along in life and suddenly you can't eat, you can't drink coffee because you're already wired, you wake up in bed with a jolt in the morning. At the same time, you go through the day feeling drained. I even started feeling it in the muscles along my spine.  

Warp Speed

Wow. I really feel like I'm morphing at warp speed, putting it all into perspective. And every day I feel more distanced from Karin, which is completely welcome at this point. This whole (abrupt) episode was like dental surgery without Novocaine, but the pain has subsided, I can eat again, and I'm really starting to feel relieved about not having to talk myself into moving back to Germany. I'm single! It feels kinda good.

Reunion

Just had a beer with an ex-girlfriend who I haven't seen since 1990. Basically, she's the first woman who totally broke my heart. Great timing, eh? We met in college and moved to New Orleans after graduating so that she could start her first year of law school. She was in town for a reunion event at U. of M., so it was a rare opportunity. Who knows when it'll happen again? I wish we had had more than two hours together because it seemed like there was a lot to talk about. She hasn't changed much, but she does seem calmer. There was definitely no "What did I see in her?" feeling. She is, as they say, "a catch."

Chicago

Lincoln Square

Rebound

Well, the anger's back. Surprise, surprise. When I left Berlin in February, I did it lovingly and gently. I told Karin that it wasn't a break up. I included her. This new chapter feels abrupt and cruel. Drop Nancy once you've found someone else. I know it happens all the time, but it doesn't make it right. This new thing helped Karin let go of our relationship, but where does it leave me? It leaves me feeling sad about ending the relationship and angry about being cheated on, a double whammy. This from someone who supposedly cares so deeply for me.

And what's with this rebound habit? Doesn't anybody see the value in finishing something before you start something else? Does finding a good partner really happen that quickly? Well, maybe all Karin cares about is being with the right person for now -- someone who will insulate her.

I had to start massaging my heart back to life with some exercise today. It was all seized up like a motor with no oil.

Big Step

I called Karin today and told her that I forgive her because I love her. There were lots of tears on both sides and we talked for an hour and a half. Maybe now I will feel like eating again. I need her in my life even if it's only as a friend. I'm still very sad, but at least I'm not sad and angry -- a lethal combination, for sure.

An Hour and a Half

Yesterday I met with one of my students (Mr. X) for the first time in two weeks. I had arranged for a sub during the time that Karin was (supposed to) be here. I really like this particular student. He's a young Engineer, living apart from his family in Japan. Last night I looked at him and realized a sadness I'd never noticed before. I can imagine that he has some bad days here in Michigan, trying to speak English and living in an apartment for two years while his family stays in Japan. Toward the end of the class he said to me: "Where did you go, Nancy-San?" And I said: "Saugatuck and Chicago." As if that was all there was to it.